I posted this way back in 2013, but it's worth airing a second time.
Imagine the conversation The Creator might have had with St. Francis on the subject of lawns:
God: Hey St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect "no maintenance" garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.
St. Francis: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
God: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
St. Francis: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. The begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
God: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it... sometimes twice a week.
God: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?
St. Francis: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
St. Francis: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
God: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
St. Francis: Yes, Sir.
God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
St. Francis: You are not going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
God: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
St. Francis: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
God: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
St. Francis: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. The haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
God: And where do they get this mulch?
St. Francis: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
God: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. Sister Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
Sister Catherine: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a really stupid movie about.....
God: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
Heh, I thought that was brilliant. And so true.
ReplyDelete...I have a lawn that hasn't been fertilized in years, I enjoy cutting it.
ReplyDeleteWay back when I had a lawn I detested cutting it.
DeleteThat was a funny story, David. I understand very well that you don't want a lawn. When we moved here, there was a lot of lawn here. Now there is almost no lawn left here. I'd rather have flowers than a lawn. Hugs and kisses, Marit
ReplyDeleteLawns are aptly known as green deserts, Marit.
DeleteFunny post, it is so true! Hubby does not like cutting grass, he planted a lot of pine trees so the grass would not grow under the pine needles. A good portion of our yard has been taken over by local native plants that volunteered to grow. Take care, have a great day!
ReplyDeleteHahaha! It's really a great dialogue. But I think there are many more "dumb and dumb" stories in this crazy world...
ReplyDeleteThere are lawns in other parts of the world, but it does not approach the North American obsession for them.
DeleteFunny and true! LOL! :)
ReplyDeleteHow absolutely true this is, David. In my last house I had a meadow, lots of wild flowers and a blanket of forget me nots. Lawns drive me absolutely mad. I remember the dandelion wine my granny would make and out here, dandelion greens (before they bloom) are the first salads people eat in the spring. "thou art insane" sayeth the lord.
ReplyDeleteXO
WWW
When we moved here many years ago, both our front and backyards were nothing but lawn. Over the years we have converted much of it to shrubs, beds of flowers, and, of course, trees. Our goal was to create an inviting environment for birds and other animals. And the process goes on...
ReplyDeleteWe are mirror images, Dorothy.
DeleteGood one! So accurate.
ReplyDeleteDavid, I loved this post -so a creative and entertaining but really gets the point across. What are we doing to God's world!!
ReplyDeletePoisoning it, filling it full of plastics, changing the chemistry of the biosphere, raining down acid precipitation….little things like that.
DeleteHari Om
ReplyDeleteWay back, when I had a yard in Sydney, I let it get 'frilly'. I had lots of insects and it drew in lizards and the cat and the dog knew to protect them too. I loved my spiders and ants and all the flying beasties. One day I came home from work and the neighbours had done me a 'good deed'. The place was shaved and shorn and 'tamed'....... true story. My teeth still grind at the memory. YAM xx
I suspect that was code for the neighbour telling you that he thought your garden was not up to “standard.” My teeth would have been worn down by now!
DeleteSo very true. Reading it makes it sound so dumb which it is. :)
ReplyDelete